For a long time I’ve had a tendency to instantly go from zero to panic when certain situations happened. My anxiety level would skyrocket in a moment’s notice, and fear would grip my heart and squeeze. I named this personality trait my “Flailer”.
I use this term because when unexpected circumstances come I can vividly see in my mind an image of myself in complete panic with my arms flailing around. It’s my desperation and fear personified.
My Flailer catastrophizes, but not without good reason. Over the years some of my worst fears have been realized. Like so many of you, I’ve experienced the devastation of infidelity, divorce, stillbirth, losing loved ones and coworkers to cancer, losing jobs, even losing my home, among other things. When each of these tragedies were happening, especially at the beginning of them, I’d immediately go into prayer and ask God to stop the feared outcome from happening, but they happened anyway.
When the thing you feared most ends up happening anyway, there’s a level of fear that can take root down in your soul that’s indescribable. It’s hard to come to terms with something when the very thing you thought was unfathomable and even impossible, actually does happen. Your reality is rocked. You become disillusioned. Your faith is shaken to its core.
When new situations would arise, it became hard for me to believe that things would have a positive outcome. It became hard for me to believe that God would really work things out in my favor. The anxiety would immediately come, and my Flailer would go right into panic mode.
Blessing In Spite of the Pain
The blessing I’ve learned is that even though these painful experiences happened – and didn’t make sense at the time, God brought me through them and healed my heart of the pain. And for each devastation, there were many more times where God did miraculously turn things around in my favor. There have been so many ways He’s come through for me, even when I was in panic mode. With each situation, God would reassure me over and over that He loves me and everything will be okay. He reminded me that He will go before me and “make the crooked places straight”. (Isaiah 45:2)
He continues to remind me that I can trust Him, and to remember the many times in my life that He’s blessed me. The more I reflect on just how good He’s been it gives me strength. It increases my faith. It makes my heart smile. I have His peace and really believe it will guard my heart and mind. (Philippians 4:7) I also believe that His grace covers me, and is sufficient in all things.
Over time, God has brought healing to my Flailer. Now when I face a situation, I try to remember to stop, pause, and breathe – then ask myself:
(1) What’s the real issue?
(2) What am I really afraid of (and why)?
(3) What outcome are you hoping for (and what steps can be taken to accomplish it)?
When I’m able to clearly identify these things, then I can pray more specifically.
Work in Progress
There are still times when my Flailer rears her head and pushes me into panic mode, but I’ve noticed it doesn’t last as long as it used to. There are still times when fear sets in and affects the decisions I make. Sometimes, things don’t work out as I’d hoped, but I know ultimately the outcome is what is best for me. God allows everything to happen in my life for a reason. Maybe there was a lesson I needed to learn. Maybe I needed my faith to increase. Maybe He allowed me to experience something so I could share my story and provide comfort or encouragement to someone. Some things still happen and I don’t have an answer on why it did. But I truly believe that God is working all things together for my good, and He’s proven to be extremely faithful.
I’m so glad that His ways are higher than my ways.
Do you have a “Flailer” inside you? I pray that God heals and strengthens your heart, heals your memories, delivers you from fear, and gives you peace that passes all understanding in Jesus’ name.
