In my post last October, I shared that I had come face to face with a very deep insecurity, which was feeling unattractive. That insecurity bolted to the forefront when I sat down to look at the proofs of pictures I took from my very first photo shoot. I spiraled down into a deep pit of depression, and it wrecked me for days. But God in His grace began to speak to me and remind me of how He sees me – that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was so grateful to receive a major breakthrough and healing in that area. It allowed me to have the courage to do another photo shoot early this year, and one of the pictures from that amazing experience became the photo cover of my new book The Power of Your Smile (available on Amazon). To put myself out there by plastering a picture of myself on the cover of my book was a major achievement.
Well, I’ve learned a long time ago that healing often happens in layers. A few days ago, I found myself facing another major insecurity that I honestly tried to avoid dealing with. Michelle Obama put it so eloquently in her book ‘Becoming’, when she continued to ask herself as she faced amazing and triumphant milestones throughout her life: “Am I Enough”? This is the question that has recently been gripping my thoughts for days.
A few weeks ago, I was blessed with an opportunity to be interviewed by a notable Christian Women’s magazine (details coming soon!). This opportunity will allow my book to be featured as well as give me a platform to share my journey to thousands of readers. I was so thrilled to do this, I immediately said yes. The editor sent me a list of insightful questions ranging from my book to my personal journey. I intentionally took a few days answering each question because I wanted to make sure I presented myself in the most authentic way I could. That was what awakened my insecurity of not being enough.
My mind started swirling with thoughts that I’m not smart enough, not ‘spiritual’ enough, not eloquent enough, not intelligent, even questioning if I have a relationship with Jesus at all. I found myself comparing myself to other amazing women I follow on social media. These voices were questioning the very core of who I am. I wish I could say that I rebuked them and fought them off valiantly, but the truth is it paralyzed me mentally and emotionally. It got to the point where I couldn’t get my thoughts together to answer the interview questions. The things I wanted to say just could not come out right. I was stuck. For a short while I even contemplated declining the interview altogether.
Thankfully, God loves me too much to allow me to remain stuck in those moments. He began encouraging me through people like my son and loving members of an online bible study group I attend weekly. God spoke to me through sermons from my pastor and others I follow. He spoke to me directly by His Holy Spirit and through His word. He showed me how the words I was speaking about myself were negative and not life-giving or edifying. God asked me to give Him access to my heart so He can begin to heal my insecurity. Then He began to reaffirm me in the tender, loving way that only He can do.
He reminded me that I wasn’t alone in feeling insecure in this area. I know many people struggle with this issue too, and I really appreciate their transparency as they share their journey and levels of growth. The bible is also full of examples of heroes that dealt with insecurity too:
Moses: In Exodus chapters 3 and 4, God called Moses and told him he was chosen to deliver the children of Israel from their slavery in Egypt. Even though God promised to be with him, Moses immediately started questioning and disqualifying himself, telling God why he couldn’t do it. He even told God (His Creator who knew him better than anyone) that he was slow in speech and asked God to use someone else. Although God agreed to use his brother Aaron as a spokesman to the people, Moses still went on to face Pharaoh and deliver the children of Israel out of Egypt.
Jeremiah: In Jeremiah chapter 1, God came to Jeremiah and told him he was sanctified and ordained even before he was born to be a prophet to the nations. Like Moses, Jeremiah also responded by disqualifying himself based on how he saw himself. He told God he couldn’t do it because he was too young. God immediately corrected his words and told him not to say he was too young. God promised to give Jeremiah His words to speak and that He would be with him.
Gideon: In Judges Chapter 6, the Angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, called him a mighty man of valor, and said he would save his people from the hand of the Midianites. Gideon began to disqualify himself by pointing out the fact that his clan is the weakest in Israel, and on top of that he himself is the least in his father’s house. The Lord said to him he would surely be with him, and he would defeat the Midianites. By God’s power, Gideon went on to defeat the Midianites with only 300 men.
As God reminded me of each of these stories, he showed me a common truth, which is God chose them. When God appeared to Moses, Jeremiah, and Gideon, He spoke to them based on who God knew them to be, not based on their own insecurities. God knew His plans for their lives even before they knew it themselves. God told them why they were chosen and what they were called to do. The other common truth I saw was, God always promised to be with them. When God told them what He wanted them to do, he immediately addressed their fears by letting them know He would be with them. Every time fear or insecurity would rise up, they always had that reassurance that the presence of God was with them.
Being reminded of these truths really helped to heal my insecurity. God used these examples to show me I’m not alone in this struggle, but more importantly, I must remember who I am in Christ. My identity is in Him alone. I asked God to show me specifically who I am, so that I’ll never forget or go back to comparing myself with anyone else. I asked God to teach me through His word so I can write them down and read them over and over again. The first things God showed me were these:
You are chosen: In John 15:16, Jesus tells us that He chose us and appointed us, that we should go and bear fruit. This means we were chosen on purpose, and for purpose.
You are God’s workmanship: Ephesians 2:10 says we are God’s workmanship (masterpiece), created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared in advance that we should walk in them. This encourages me and lets me know God created me and put everything in me I’d need to accomplish the good works that He already prepared for me to do.
You are a part of one body and have purpose: 1 Corinthians 12: 13 – 25 shows us that God has created each one of us for a specific purpose in the body of Christ. We all have gifts, talents, anointings, and callings that God has given us. He’s placed us exactly where He wanted us to be, so that we can serve one another. There is no partiality with God, no big ‘I’s or little ‘U’s. Although we may have different functions, we are all necessary. Knowing this means there is no need to compare myself with anyone else. We all serve a purpose and have our own lanes. When we work together in love using the gifts God has given us, we can accomplish His will on the earth.
I believe this is the beginning of a new and deeper chapter of my walk with the Lord, and I’m so excited to learn more about how who God is and who I am in Him. Like my first photo shoot last year, the opportunity of being interviewed for the magazine became a catalyst for another major breakthrough in my life. Another layer of insecurity has risen to the surface, been exposed, and received the healing touch of God. It’s allowed me to get it settled once and for all who I am in Christ, to be more confident in who I am, and to be watchful so I don’t allow thoughts of comparison or insecurity to overtake me.
Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your love, grace, and mercy. You promised that You would work everything together for my good, so I thank You for allowing difficult situations to be the catalyst for my breakthroughs. Thank You for healing me and setting me free, in Jesus’ name. Amen
