For most of my life, I’ve struggled with the painful notion of not being seen or understood. I was raised by a single mother with two sisters, and I was the middle child. I don’t know exactly when or how that seed was sown into my mind and heart. Looking back, I know my older sister did her best to receive as much attention (whether negative or positive) as she could. I was told while growing up that I had a good head on my shoulders, that I had common sense and was very responsible. My mother would frequently tell me she didn’t have to worry about me because I could take care of myself. For my single mom raising three head-strong girls, along with having her own issues, I know it wasn’t easy for her. She did the best she could for us and I’ll always be grateful to her. Still, somewhere along the way, I increasingly grew to feel more and more invisible. It didn’t help that I was also very shy and introverted before I even knew what being an introvert meant. It also didn’t help that I struggled with severe depression. Because I felt invisible and that I didn’t have a voice, I didn’t know how to cry out for help. Being in emotional pain and feeling invisible is a very difficult place to be in.
When I became an adult, I sought help for my depression, and over time God has delivered me from it (Hallelujah!!). But the feelings of feeling invisible and unseen still dwelled deep in my heart. I learned how to express myself through poetry and made many attempts to communicate my feelings to people I had relationships with. Sometimes, they understood me. Other times, they didn’t. And other times, I was told I was being too emotional or overreactive or I was rambling on and on. Those moments cut deep and reinforced the pain that was deep in my soul. I desperately longed for someone to truly know me – to know me without me having to go into deep explanations for context.
But God in His rich love and mercy began to show me by His Holy Spirit and through His word that He not only sees me, but He knows me. And that He knows me in such an intimate way that He began to show me who I really am. It was the beginning of my soul being healed in that deep, secret place only He knows about. God drew me to scriptures like Psalm 139. David’s words were the words my soul poured out to God in my desperation. The words I couldn’t articulate were the words God gave David (and us) to pray back to Him:
“O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether”. (verses 1-4 NKJV)
“You know me inside and out, You know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, You watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before You, the days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day”. (verses 15-16 MSG)
Then God showed me Jeremiah 1:5, where He says: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…”. When God says He knows us, it means He knows us in the most intimate way possible. He knows the secret petitions of our hearts, the things we’ve never told anyone else about. He knows our broken places, our fears, our dreams, our hopes. He knows our quirks and idiosyncrasies. He knows what makes us tick. We don’t have to explain everything to Him in detail because He already gets it.
This truth not only began to heal me, it freed me. (Jesus said in John 8:32 “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free”.) It freed me from the need for man to understand me, because I learned that my Creator understands me. I learned there will continue to be people who won’t see me and it’s okay, because they’re ordained by God not to. I learned that my Heavenly Father is protecting me by hiding who I really am to certain people so they can’t hurt me.
I also learned to forgive everyone that hurt me because they didn’t see me. I learned to forgive myself for expecting them to see me when they were either uncapable or not supposed to. I’m learning to see people, myself, and God with a fresh new perspective.
I pray this truth not only heals you in the most deepest place of your heart, mind, and soul, but that it frees you. God not only sees you, but He knows you. You don’t have to look to anyone else but Him to validate you, affirm you, and teach you who you truly are. Only your Creator knows your real identity. Let Him introduce the highest version of yourself to you!
Heavenly Father, I thank You and praise You for who You are. You are so wonderful and kind. Your love is unconditional and everlasting. Thank You for revealing Your truth that You see us and know us. Let it take root deep in our hearts and bring healing, freedom, and hope. Let us look to You only to know who we really are and not to other people. Thank You for strengthening our hearts and minds in Jesus’ name. Amen
