‘You have dwelt long enough at this mountain’ (Deuteronomy 1:6)
I experienced something last week that brought me face to face with one of the biggest insecurities of my life. This particular insecurity is something I’ve struggled with ever since I was a little girl – which is feeling unattractive. It’s been a giant that has triggered deep depression on more occasions than I can count, and this past week was no exception.
I am about to publish a book, and needed to have some pictures done for my book cover. An opportunity came that would allow me to have 3 headshots done and have a makeup artist do my makeup. This was something I’ve always wanted to experience, so I was extremely excited. I was also nervous, because I’ve never been comfortable taking pictures. Even taking selfies are difficult. I’m extremely self-critical and always seem to find deficiencies that keep me from sharing the pictures.
Which is why I was so excited to have pictures done by a professional photographer. Unfortunately, when I got the pictures back, I was horrified. The person I saw in the pictures was not the person I see every day in the mirror. The person in these pictures looked tired, had a bad makeup job, had awkward poses, and had bad hair. It was terrible.
All I could see was everything I felt was wrong with me. My eyes, my crooked smile, my shiny face, my big nose, my uneven skin tone. I just kept picking apart the person in the pictures, then realized the person I was criticizing was me. For most of my life, every time I see a picture of myself, my insecurities rush forward and put me into self-critical mode. I don’t see beauty, I see flaws.
When the depression came last week after seeing the pictures, I knew this was something deeper than just being critical. I needed God to show me what this was really about. He began to show me that the timing of this photo shoot and seeing the pictures was orchestrated because this was my season of deliverance from feeling insecure about my looks. It would require revisiting some painful and hurtful moments over my life – all the way back to when I was a little girl.
God began to show me that this self-critical voice was an enemy to my destiny, and has been robbing me of a level of peace and confidence that I had a divine right to. He showed me that this voice was a false narrative created by hurtful experiences that was being reinforced with every rejection and negative thing said by either someone else, or by me. But now is my time for deliverance, healing, and freedom.
God told me I have dwelt at this particular mountain long enough. It’s time to move on and go to the next level of my journey. I know there are things He wants me to accomplish and experience, and it was necessary that I overcome and receive wholeness in this area during this season of my life. I cannot be hindered by this false narrative any longer. I now recognize what it is, and can fight back with the truth of God’s word, which is I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Him, and that He loves me and accepts me. That’s what truly matters.
Yesterday, I was able to look at every single picture the photographer sent. I know I’m being healed, because I was amazed at how much love, acceptance, and appreciation I felt for the woman smiling back at me. I know her story, and how much she’s been through. For me, this experience is not about getting to a place where I believe I’m physically attractive. Physical beauty is something man came up with and changes every minute. It means comparing yourself to someone else, which is where insecurity thrives. I’m able to see my inner beauty, and the light that shines as a result of the Holy Spirit living inside me. I’m beginning to see myself the way God sees me, which has been my daily prayer.
Whatever your insecurities are, God is saying you have dwelt long enough at that mountain. It’s time to face them, receive your healing, and be whole. It’s time to move forward and live the abundant life He’s planned for you.
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your love that is so powerful it cannot be destroyed, measured, or described with words. Thank You for breakthrough, healing, restoration, and wholeness. You always know where we are, what we need, and when we need it. We lift Your name high and give You praise in Jesus’ name. Amen
